A Time to Grieve

Journey of Hearts

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Widow Net

Healing Hearts (for parents who have lost a child)

Death and Dying Grief Support

What do I tell my child?  How can I help them?

Tell the truth
Children imagine many things about death.  Most of them are about things they have not seen, rather than things they have seen.  They may imagine such things as dead people becoming ghosts and confuse scary stories with reality.  Dead may seem a very harsh word to explain to a child.  We tend to want to instead say more comforting things like "gone", "taken" or "asleep".  But the meaning of such words to a child may describe something that is reversible, people who go away come back for instance.  Or it could cause them to be fearful, for instance, "going to sleep" may become a frightening experience.  Explain the physical effects of death in terms your child can understand:  The dead do not breath.  They can feel nothing, not even a pinch.  They cannot see or hear, move or speak.  They may feel hard or cold.  Their bodies have stopped working, like a toy with no batteries.  Death's permanence may be difficult for a child to understand.  You may have to repeat the explanation many times and there will be many questions.  Be honest about how you feel, they will understand that it is OK to cry, that sometimes you will seem sad and they might too.  Explain the cause of the death as best you can.  Place blame where it belongs, on the very bad sickness or an accident.  Admit that we don't always know why things happen the way they do or why people have to die. 

Should you take a child to the funeral home?

By leaving a child at home it offers that child  no protection from separation, it also offers them no closure.  By allowing them to participate with the family it allows them to feel protected and to quell anything they might imagine otherwise.  In Sara Bonnett Stein's work "About Dying", she writes "Until (children) are quite sure a person is no more, and will never be, they cannot finish the work of mourning.  And if they cannot finish it, they cannot free themselves to go on with life and love and growing."  

An older child can be offered the choice to go or to stay.  But whatever the child's age, good preparation is important.  Explain what we do with a body when it doesn't work anymore.  Describe the casket and make sure the child knows it will be fully open or only be half open (if at all).  Talk to them about what to expect at calling hours, at the funeral and then the graveside.  At the funeral home ask if there is a special room for children to go when they are feeling tired or bored.  They should have some activities to provide them with during the visitation.  

Remember that children may express grief differently than adults.  They may misbehave rather than cry.  They may be afraid and need to be reassured.  They may ask many questions that might be uncomfortable for you but you need to answer them as honestly and lovingly as possible.  There should be nothing scary or nightmarish about death.  When we, as adults, accept death as a natural part of our life process, we can teach our children about the acceptance and acknowledgment of death in a way that will not only alleviate their fears, but will help them to develop a more healthy way to cope with the grief.

"A child's first questions about death are an attempt to gain mastery over frightening images of abandonment, separation, loneliness, pain, and bodily damage.  If we err of the side of overprotecting them from emotional pain and grief with "kind" lies, we risk widening their coping capacities..."  David Peretz, M.D.

How to Help Someone Who has Suffered a Loss

It is very difficult to comfort someone who has just lost a loved one.  You may feel helpless and unable to make them feel better or even that you are "in the way" or not needed.  It is important to remember that the friendship and sympathy you offer at this time is needed and wanted.  Expressing your own feeling about the deceased and your relationship to them is important.  It is a great help to the family to know that their loved one was valued by others and will be missed.  As a friend or relative of someone who has lost a loved one you often have to take initiative in finding ways to offer them your support.  Offering to answer the telephone, write notes, or make calls to those who need to be notified can be of great assistance.  Offering to pick up relatives at the airport or if you have a spare room making it available to overnight guests of the family.  If there are very small children who are too little to attend the funeral, make arrangements for them to be taken care of during that time.

Often we offer our sympathy at the time of death and only at that time.  It is important to remember that many people who have lost someone suffer grief for months following the funeral.  Friends and supporters have often moved on.  Life gets back to normal rather quickly for everyone else.  But it is after the funeral that many people are both grieving and re-building.  They need your support just as much then as they did before - if not more.  This is especially true during holidays, on birthdays, anniversaries and special occasions when the absence of a loved one is particularly profound. 

Adjusting to death takes time and finding a desire to rebuild without that person is very difficult.  The love and concern of friends and family are often the most important elements in this adjustment, and we need to recognize the importance of the part we play, both at the time of death and in the months that follow.

Remember that sometimes we don't know what to say - sometimes there is nothing you can say - but just your presence -  your love and support can make all the difference in their life.  Your concern at the time of death and through the months that follow will help to fill the emptiness as nothing else can.