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Lovingly dedicated to the memory of
Louise Foster, Phyllis Tippens and Bob Franks
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After Glow
"I'd like the memory of me to be a
happy one.
I'd like to leave an after glow of smiles when life is done.
I'd like to leave an echo whispering softly down the ways,
Of happy times and laughing time and bright and sunny days.
I'd like the tears of those who grieve, to dry before the sun
Of happy memories that I leave when life is done."
Links
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A Time to Grieve
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Journey of Hearts
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Web Healing
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Widow Net
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Healing Hearts (for parents who have
lost a child)
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Death and Dying Grief Support
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What
do I tell my child? How can I help them?
Tell
the truth
Children imagine many things about death. Most of them are about
things they have not seen, rather than things they have seen. They
may imagine such things as dead people becoming ghosts and confuse scary
stories with reality. Dead may seem a very harsh word to explain to
a child. We tend to want to instead say more comforting things like
"gone", "taken" or "asleep". But the
meaning of such words to a child may describe something that is reversible, people who go away come back for
instance. Or it could cause them to be fearful, for instance,
"going to sleep" may become a frightening experience.
Explain the physical effects of death in terms your child can
understand: The dead do not breath.
They can feel nothing, not even a pinch. They cannot see or hear,
move or speak. They may feel hard or cold. Their bodies have
stopped working, like a toy with no batteries. Death's permanence
may be difficult for a child to understand. You may have to repeat
the explanation many times and there will be many questions. Be
honest about how you feel, they will understand that it is OK to cry,
that sometimes you will seem sad and they might too. Explain the
cause of the death as best you can. Place blame where it belongs,
on the very bad sickness or an accident. Admit that we don't always
know why things happen the way they do or why people have to die.
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Should
you take a child to the funeral home?
By
leaving a child at home it offers that child no
protection from separation, it also offers them no closure. By
allowing them to participate with the family it allows them to feel
protected and to quell anything they might imagine otherwise. In
Sara Bonnett Stein's work "About Dying",
she writes "Until (children) are quite sure a person is no more, and
will never be, they cannot finish the work of mourning. And if they
cannot finish it, they cannot free themselves to go on with life and love
and growing."
An
older child can be offered the choice to go or to stay. But
whatever the child's age, good preparation is important. Explain
what we do with a body when it doesn't work anymore. Describe the
casket and make sure the child knows it will be fully open or only be
half open (if at all). Talk to them about what to expect at calling
hours, at the funeral and then the graveside. At the funeral home
ask if there is a special room for children to go when they are feeling
tired or bored. They should have some activities to provide them
with during the visitation.
Remember
that children may express grief differently than adults. They may
misbehave rather than cry. They may be afraid and need to be
reassured. They may ask many questions that might be uncomfortable
for you but you need to answer them as honestly and lovingly as
possible. There should be nothing scary or nightmarish about
death. When we, as adults, accept death as a natural part of our
life process, we can teach our children about the acceptance and
acknowledgment of death in a way that will not only alleviate their
fears, but will help them to develop a more healthy way to cope with the
grief.
"A
child's first questions about death are an attempt to gain mastery over
frightening images of abandonment, separation, loneliness, pain, and
bodily damage. If we err of the side of overprotecting them from
emotional pain and grief with "kind" lies, we risk widening
their coping capacities..." David Peretz,
M.D.
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How
to Help Someone Who has Suffered a Loss
It is
very difficult to comfort someone who has just lost a loved one.
You may feel helpless and unable to make them feel better or even that
you are "in the way" or not needed. It is important to
remember that the friendship and sympathy you offer at this time is
needed and wanted. Expressing your own feeling about the deceased
and your relationship to them is important. It is a great help to
the family to know that their loved one was valued by others and will be
missed. As a friend or relative of someone who has lost a loved one
you often have to take initiative in finding ways to offer them your
support. Offering to answer the telephone, write notes, or make
calls to those who need to be notified can be of great assistance.
Offering to pick up relatives at the airport or if you have a spare room
making it available to overnight guests of the family. If there are
very small children who are too little to attend the funeral, make
arrangements for them to be taken care of during that time.
Often
we offer our sympathy at the time of death and only at that time.
It is important to remember that many people who have lost someone suffer
grief for months following the funeral. Friends and supporters have
often moved on. Life gets back to normal rather quickly for
everyone else. But it is after the funeral that many people are
both grieving and re-building. They need your support just as much
then as they did before - if not more. This is especially true
during holidays, on birthdays, anniversaries and special occasions when
the absence of a loved one is particularly profound.
Adjusting
to death takes time and finding a desire to rebuild without that person
is very difficult. The love and concern of friends and family are
often the most important elements in this adjustment, and we need to recognize
the importance of the part we play, both at the time of death and in the
months that follow.
Remember
that sometimes we don't know what to say - sometimes there is nothing you
can say - but just your presence - your
love and support can make all the difference in their life. Your
concern at the time of death and through the months that follow will help
to fill the emptiness as nothing else can.
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