 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
November 2003
|
I used to believe that the strongest human emotion was guilt. I was wrong- it is grief. Grief is like an emotional void that we fall into. It is paralyzing in the beginning. We sit in shocked numbness- disbelief. Then slowly we realize that we are not going to wake up- that the morning has come and while it is in no way different than the morning before- the children still call to each other the bus grinds to a halt- the dogs need to be let out and fed- nothing has changed but nothing will ever be the same again. Grief is a void that can not be filled – that space will remain forever vacant in our lives- in our minds and in our hearts. “If I die you can have my heart” I told Andy. I met it with absolute certainty. Everyone was quite appalled by my candor even Andy. “God will take care of us both.” He smiled at me sadly. I wasn’t sure what that meant because he was dying. His heart was failing and there was nothing they could do for him. He would have to have a transplant to live. “I just don’t know” He said to my father, “I’m 67 years old, there’s not much chance for me to get a transplant.” “You can’t give up” I told him. I had never known my grandfather he had died of a heart attack before I was born. Everyone told me stories about him I had always thought that he would be a lot like Andy- a tall thin good looking man who had steel grey eyes and a kind gentle smile. Everyone liked him- you could trust him. I hugged him tightly. It felt like everyone I knew had something terrible happening in their lives. I was devastated by his news- he was a good person- a wonderful person. I didn’t understand how God was taking care of anything when all there horrible things kept happening to such good people. I saw Andy at several funerals before my condition worsened and I was left debilitated for several months. During that time, Andy and his wife sent me cards and kept in touch through my parents. Andy was now on a donor list at Cleveland Clinic- it was good news but it didn’t mean he would get a heart. Winter fled into spring. I began to feel better in June. I went away for a week with my friends to the ocean. When I returned Andy came into the funeral home. He looked frail and tired but I knew I didn’t look much better. I told him that I had been gone and he smiled “Oh, there’s so much good golfing there- I miss that.” I understood there were a lot of things that I no longer was capable of doing that I missed terribly as well. I had been having trouble walking unaided. Andy too was having his own difficulties. I worried for him. As the summer slowly began to emerge in what was to be a season of rain I went back to work. In August I began to feel so good I was back to work full-time. It was about that time that we would hear the miraculous news- Andy got a new heart! It was such great news that everyone in the community was talking about it. I was so thankful for him. I cried in happiness. In September, I would have a relapse. My favourite season passed me by- the trees changing their colour outside my bedroom window. I watched them roll by as we drove to Cleveland Clinic where, like Andy, I hoped to find something that would help me. In October, Andy came to visit again. He was no longer the frail man that I had seen in the spring. He was vigorous and joyful. He had a new life ahead and he was enjoying every minute. He was still unable to play golf. I suspected that as soon as he was able it would be the first thing he would do. I was so happy for him. He hugged me and told me to not give up. I told him that was my line. My daughter had an ear infection so I was home with her when the funeral home phone rang. I picked it up to listen- it was Joanne, Andy’s wife. She was talking to my father, “They don’t know what happened they think it might have been a viral infection- .” My heart fluttered into my throat. The world seemed to shift and I felt the void begin to surround me. I heard my father stifle a sob as he hung up. I felt denial hit me like a truck headlong and then I sat down numbly shocked unable to do anything but let the void suck me in- unresisting. My phone rang and I jumped. It was a telemarketer- the world continued to go on around me even though everything for me had come to a halt- the dogs still needed to go out- the cats wanted to be fed- everything was the same but nothing was the same. Andy was gone. Next week I will make the same drive he made all those months ago with the same hope. That I will get some of my life back- that I can enjoy the moments that are passing me by because of my illness. I wish he would have gotten to golf one last time. The void of his passing will never be filled. But he will live forever in my heart. |
|
All writings are copyrighted and should not be duplicated without express written consent of the author. |
|
|
|
Site Designed & Hosted by MidOhio.Net |