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November 2003
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"I’m sorry" the nurse apologized again. I could feel her arms trembling, “It's OK” I tried to comfort her. “This happens a lot so I just kind of expect it “ I could tell she was really frustrated and embarrassed. “I don't have this much trouble- I wish I could loan you my veins” She said her face red. I internally agreed with her but said nothing. I was remaining as calm as possible but I struggled against the urge to pull my hand back as she sought the vein the needle moving this way and that. “Nope darn it “ she pulled it out. I shrugged, “Third times a charm right?” She furrowed her brows together. Her cell phone rang. She answered, “Oh honey not right now I can’t- I’m with a patient- we’ll talk about it when I get home.” She hung up and started looking thorough her bag “I need a special needle” she began. “Do you need to call the person back?“ I offered half out of understanding and half out of need for a break feeling light headed. She shook her head her glasses nudged down on her face , “No it’s just my daughter, she lives with me- she and her 5 year old- she’s got herself into quite a mess lately,” “It can be hard to be a single parent” I suggested not really knowing but imagining that I could never do it. ‘Yes, that and the fact that her daughter’s husband is in prison” She shook her head “I just can’t find that needle” “Sometimes people just fall in love with who they fall in love with- it’s not really their fault you know. Maybe she thought she could help him” The nurse stopped what she doing and starred at me, “How do you get that?” She asked perplexed “Well, “I said looking away, “I just meant that maybe she met him and she thought he was someone who just needed some help- someone she could fix and she fell for him but he just couldn’t get it together.” “Well, that true” she said digging through her bag “I just wish she would get it together and find a nice guy this time” “Maybe she thought she did this time- sure her judgment was off but it takes a while to sometimes learn the difference in pain you can solve and the type that will never stop and takes you with it.” She starred at me again, “I never thought of it that way” “Did her Dad leave her?” I asked thinking that had to be the most intrusive question, “Sure did” She rummaged through the bag, "That may have a lot to do with it- maybe she’s just a little lost about love- it’s so hard to find and when you want it so badly you just sometimes make mistakes with your heart” The nurse looked up and me , “You know I’m not sure if you are talking about my daughter or me?” I shrugged, “I don’t know but maybe it’s something you could talk about together- you both have had pain- it’s good to be able to share that with each other.” The nurse came up with a new needle pack, "Ready for round three?” she asked “Sure.” I replied. When she was done putting in the IV she asked me very seriously, “I’ve worked with really sick people for a long time and it never ceases to amaze me that sometimes they seem to care more about my life than theirs or about other people around them.” “I think it’s just that our lives move so much slower- it’s different because we have time to notice things that other people in their daily rush of life don't usually even think about. It brings a certain clarity and a care to life- you say things you might not have said before because you are not afraid of being rejected or rather you feel it is more important to say them than the rejection. I don’t know really but I do know that little things- small things are equally as important now or perhaps more even more so." The nurse shook her head confused. “I think it’s just one of those things that has to happen to you for you to understand” I said kindly. She laughed a bit “Well excuse me for sounding harsh but I guess I’d rather live in my own ignorance.” I smiled and closed the door, “Too bad you don’t get a chance to make a choice like that…” I rolled my IV back to couch and sat down watching the whitish liquid drip down through the tube. |
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