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December 2003
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I woke up. The rain fell steadily in the cold grey morning. November had given way to December. The endless progression of days I had previously numbered so differently continued despite my best efforts to halt them. I lay there in the stillness that is pre-dawn and felt clarity wash over me. The denial and anger that had plagued me since my diagnosis was clearly absent. I felt a sense of profound peace as I recognized that this was my life now. I felt a release from the past which had weighted me so heavily during the prior months- the endless feeling that if I could just get back those moments of happiness- that it would all be OK- that it would go away and that my life, as I had known it, would somehow magically return. But the reality is that we can not change others and we can not live in the past- no matter how sweet a temptation. I have listened to my heart above all else. I have come to accept that love for the sake of love is eternal. I lay there looking out the window and realized that I had to make a choice about my life. The reality of my life was that I have an aggressive active form of MS that was continuing to debilitate me even as I lay there quietly in my bed. The reality of my existence came to me not as a painful tormented one but one of peaceful acceptance. I am sick- I am very sick. I could not control my disease but I could control how I reacted to it. I could choose darkness or I could choose light. Different sides of the same coin- separated by a choice. I took a deep breath. I chose grace. I will fight. I will continue to take these horrible treatments and I will take whatever else is necessary to help my condition. If I get tomorrow- I will take it. I will try to use it and experience the good in it. I am no longer in denial about my illness. I feel peace for the first time and I accept that I can only change that which is within me. I chose joy. I harbor hope in my heart. I will live my life fearlessly, love unconditionally, fight courageously and endeavor to live with grace. "In the end, it all comes down to one word, grace. It’s how you accept good and bad, the darkness and the light." I choose grace. |
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